Full Metal Wacket

Full Metal Wacket

By

Alan Smithee III

Night Time Exterior. Street, Present Day

MacGvyer is sitting in his car at a traffic light it's raining and the car in front of him turn signal is flashing. He stares at it. Close up of his eyes the red light flashing over and over. He has a 1000 yard stare.


Flashback

Macgvyer holding flashlight with a red lens. He is in a small in tunnel.


Vietnam 1970

Voice over: Old uncle Olaf used to spin yarns about how in WW1 he would tunnel under allied trenches. Yep, he fought for the other guys. …twice but that's a story for another time. I wonder what advice he would have for me now? Probably watch out for trip lines (pulls out Swiss Army knife cuts wire in front of him then uses a paper clip as replacement pin for grenade)

Voices speaking Vietnamese up ahead.

MacGvyer shuts off flashlight.

He crawls to end of tunnel uses the blade on his Swiss Army knife as a mirror to look around corner.

Voice over: Uncle Olaf always told me "eine saubere klinge kann licht in jeden feind seele zu bringen." Or if you can’t remember your high school German "A clean blade can bring light to any enemy soul."  Its a good thing I polished up my Swiss Army knife before we left the fire base. I can see the two North Vietnamese regulars are cooking food and won't see me coming.

MacGyver crawls into the room. The enemy soldiers have their back to him.

They are wearing aprons while preparing food.

MacGyver picks up the boiling pot and throws it at them.

Then he flips over a table on them, knocking both soldiers out.

MacGyver: You should have ordered out. I know a great little Thai place not too far from here….its Thailand. (looks at camera winks)

MacGyver (looking at map): Interesting. It looks like all enemy supply lines go through this village a few clicks north of here.

The rest of MacGyver’s squad shows up.

Fontanna: Mac? You okay? We heard screaming.

MacGyver: I'm fine. Nothing down here but a couple of overcooked won tons. (camera zooms in on spilt won tons on floor next to knocked out soldiers ) I've got some good intel for the sarge.


Jungle camp

Sgt. Callahan: Good work MacGyver with the map you found in that tunnel complex, we might be able to choke off Charlie's supply chain in this sector. I'm going to need you to do some recon on that village.

MacGyver: No problem Sarge. You want me to use one of my patent explosions to notify you when the coast is clear?

Sgt. Callahan: MacGyver stick with protocol we don't need another Mai Lai massacre on our hands.


Close up on MacGyver looking at the village with binoculars. He sees POWs kept in cells. They are submerged in water up to their necks. (Deer Hunter style) MacGyver checks his kit one more time, just to make sure his emergency flare gun is still intact.

MacGyver voice over: looks like I've got to get my brothers in arms out of there before they call in the angels of death to drop fire on the village.

MacGyver cuts some nearby bamboo. He slips under water and uses the bamboo to breathe underwater.

As he approaches the cells, MacGyver motions to prisoners to keep quiet.

MacGyver (to self): I need to cause a distraction so I can get these guys out of here.

A water buffalo walks into the shot, and MacGyver smiles.

MacGyver: Well, it looks like I've got my distraction.

MacGyver voice over: I might want to get a lay of the land here. Maybe see if I can use anything else with that water buffalo to cause a distraction.  One big enough to keep Charlie busy and also so I can let the rest of my team know to rain death on these villagers...... I mean enemy combatants.

MacGyver sneaks around village comes to hut and sees a Buddhist monk tied up.

MacGyver: Hey Curly, I have a proposition for you. How would you like to help some nice young American boys get home to ma and apple pie and make a statement about your antiwar beliefs?

Buddhist Monk doesn't speak just nods yes and bows.

MacGyver Voice over: He must have taken a vow of silence. Reminds me the vow of silence my uncle Olaf made me take so I'd never tell anyone about the secret trunk in his attic full of gold teeth and funny looking lamp shades.

MacGyver hands the monk  a bottle of lighter fluid sitting on the ground. The monk douses himself with the lighter fluid.

MacGyver: You'd better make this count, Curly.

They move to the far side of the village opposite side of the p.o.w’s.

An enemy soldier happens upon them.

MacGyver throws his binoculars at the soldier followed by the monk doing a series of front flips then round houses to the face of the enemy.

MacGyver: So much for being a pacifist, Curly. Uncle Olaf could have used someone like you when the hit squad from the Simon Wiesenthal center came a knocking that fateful October day.

The Monk bows.

MacGyver: Okay Curly you know the drill.  Ride the water buffalo into the center of the village. Once you’ve got their attention, I’ll shoot my flare gun at you which will signal my team to radio the f4 phantoms for the air strike. During the chaos I will free the P.O.W.s

The Monk is sitting on water buffalo, with the bell around its neck is going off. He is in the center of town surrounded by NVA. MacGyver is in tree pointing his flare gun at the monk.

MacGyver: Just hang on a bit longer Curly…..just waiting for your signal.

Monk: Kundun avenge me!

MacGyver fires the flare gun, and the monk explodes into a ball of fire along with water buffalo. He jumps down from tree and lands on soldier, knocking him. He runs to the p.o.w. cells frees the soldiers.

Cut to a F4 Phantom Pilot stock footage.

Pilot: Whiskey Tango this is call sign Critical Hit ready to drop payload, are friendly’s clear? Over.

Sarge: You have the go ahead Critical Hit light them up

MacGyver is running with pow’s up hillside when massive napalm explosion occurs and destroys village.

MacGyver is sitting on hillside talking to p.o.w.s as they watch the village burn.

MacGyver: Looks like you guys got a one way ticket home. A hero’s welcome for you awaits. By a hero's welcome I mean, 'don't wear your uniform in public unless you want some long hairs to throw blood on you and call you a baby killer.' You might have been better off in that cage.

POW 1: No I don't think so. Our wounds will heal over time brother. The physical ones sooner than the mental ones. Who knows maybe some day the American civilians will support the troops, but still not give a shit enough about policy to care about the government atrocities committed in the name of freedom.

POW 2: I don’t get how that water buffalo caused such a big explosion.

MacGyver: Well it’s the rainy season and water buffalo tend have large amounts of methane built up in their bodies. That and the stick of Dynamite placed in its rectum helped as well.

Just then out of no where the head of water buffalo comes falling down from the sky and lands in Macgyver's lap. In a close up of its face, the water buffalo is making a car horn sound out of its mouth.


Flashback to present MacGyver in his car appears to be in a cold sweat. Police Officer knocking on MacGyver's car window.

Police Officer: Hey you okay buddy? I got a call that your car has been blocking the intersection for last 30 minutes. You haven't been drinking have you?

MacGyver: No, sorry officer I'll be on my way.

Macgyver turns on radio news report comes on

News Reporter: While the strike rate has dropped drastically in recent months, the constant presence of circling drones — and accompanying tension over when, or whom, they will strike — is a crushing psychological burden for many residents"

Radio is changed, then Beach Boys "Wouldn't It Be Nice" comes on

The End